Muchas gracias

Until today, I was not posting anything in this blog, but I found out that has to change. Some of you are requesting it, and I have postponed it for too long. Today, most of you sent me letters of congratulations, and so, I am glad and overwhelmed by your words. It is not everyday that you get such a feeling of closeness with your friends. That is specially true, when you have moved away from your friends. Usually, you feel the need to come back and visit frequently. Some of you were busy, or just forgot. That's ok, I have a very bad memory myself, and I know you also remember me, or help me when it is important, so, no bad feelings.

Ksenia asked me today if I felt different. In fact, a lot of people had similar questions, with more or less humor, and so I had to think about an answer for that topic. So, I just started thinking about how I looked at life at different ages. I used to write a bit for myself, and I used to do it in Spanish. It is a bit difficult to say exactly what you mean in a foreign language, but I used to be good at that. At least when there was no one else reading through. I will try to do that again, but without being to philosophical. Do not worry, I will not scare you off with something about proving your own existence, or some crazy stuff. Let's assume for today, that reality is what we see, and that we are here, and there are no voices telling you not who to kill (because that you know already), but how to. Let's make them quiet with a couple of Prozac's, two Aspirins, and a bottle of wine (The same recipe some people needed (or not) to reach to required mental state to elaborate or correct database, and computer networks exams in our university).

I should start telling about different ages, and what I thought during those years, but I am lazy, and I should go to the point instead. I should answer if I feel different. If anybody cares to talk more about our shared past, I will comment some specific episodes in a separate post, but not today.

Since Greta was born, we had a lot of nice days, and she has been a blessing so far. There is no day without a new thing that she makes, and that makes you feel proud through her advances. Of course, there are moments when you feel frustrated. Specially if she gets angry because you would not allow her to run over the cat with a lawn mover. (Ksenia might not like this kind of humor, but you know I still don't learn, and I don't like to be politically correct). But coming back to track, some times I missed my past days of being a student. And some times I wish I took it more easily, and enjoyed more the moment instead of worrying and loosing hair.

The next story is about that. About getting the chance to live like you would if you were a student, and you did not care about many things, but to do at any moment whatever you wanted, without having to face any consequence, or face any problem (and have the money to do so). Last time I went to Spain, I visited some friends in Madrid and Toledo. I did not get the chance to see everybody. After all, it was a quick weekend trip to visit my sister and relatives. But just by chance, or coincidence, I managed to met a lot of friends without planning. I saw a colleague from Toledo's high school in Madrid, and I encountered some of my old best friends from Toledo at a Tea shop when I was taking some relatives on a tourist trip to the old part of the city. It was so nice to remember how simple, pure, and interesting were our lives when we where growing up, and how uneventful, complicated, and tedious it did seem to go through those days when we "only" had to study.

That night, I managed to reconcile with the past, enjoyed looking at it through what we remembered of one of the most important ages for a person. It was a selfish weekend without having to think in familiar responsibilities, and it felt like if I was studying, but having a bit more of wisdom, and knowing what the funny stories were about. It was nice to see that we took some of our chances to have fun while not loosing the chance to start your career.

Some times I have thought I would have done something differently, or avoided some decisions that had painful consequences. I still think some decisions were stupid, or some mistakes should not have happened at all. But that's the past, you have to learn to say I am sorry. After all, you did not know better (most of the times).

In the past I would have said that you learn from your mistakes. Now I would say something different. Sometimes, you have a lot of fun with your own mistakes (and with your friend's mistakes). But more important, you can give some advice to others after being in the situation. For instance, I was given the freedom to make things right or wrong more often that some people (and less often than others). I have a feeling of the degree of freedom that I would like my children to have, and I can discuss that with my wife (who seems to agree with those ideas). The best is that I can (still) remember many of the feelings I had about things then, and I can give some insight to out daughter.

The relationship about how I feel different and the last paragraph is a bit confusing. I will explain a bit better. My uncle used to tell me: "When you are young you think your parents live in the past and had no good reasons. As you become older, you start thinking: How right were they, as your children tell you the same that you told your parents". I don't know if the translation to English is fine. I might correct it tomorrow. What I wanted to say is that I have started to see things as my parents did for some aspects of life. I have my own and different ideas about some things, but I have started to see why they did things for me, as I have to deal with Greta's education. So, I guess some things have changed for me. Not today, or yesterday, but it has been today that I had the chance to realize.

There are still many things I could add. Many directions I could follow that would lead to an endless post, or some blogger internal error. But I will try to be a bit faster. These last weeks I have been working hard. So, I had no time to think much about celebrations, or the meaning of life. I still use some time in selfish activities, like reading newspapers, looking through many funny drawings at the Internet, or just loosing time.

I relaxed. It started when I finished studying, and so, now I don't sacrifice as much free time as I used to. If something has changed in the last weeks, it is that I still read a lot of newspapers, but I stopped feeling satisfied while reading those. I guess if something has changed, it is that I feel the need to do more things. I feel the need to ski with my family, or to go out and meet some friends with them, or to see my daughter do something new, or tell her how. I also stopped watching as many films as before. I guess I find it hard to find something new or unexpected. That does not mean that I do not enjoy a good movie. It just means that I do not feel the same satisfaction that I used to with most movies. It is only once in a while that a movie catches my attention and makes me suffer when it ends, because it is over (and that is also frustrating).

I start to be a bit tired, so I will try to summarize. I would just add that I miss some friends from some parts of the world, and I have the feeling that I cannot have the same level of closeness anymore with most people. The is no chance to spend hours talking about interesting topics, or just having fun by making fun out of each other as we did some years ago. We don't have the time to do that everyday. But we can met here or in any other city. We can still arrange parties, and enjoy talking for hours about what we want. It is a bit more complicated, but we also have new things to share.

During all this writing I was thinking about my wife. I was thinking. I should say something about my present with Ksenia and Greta, and less about other things. I will try to fix things with her by writing something for her. I could say that she does many things for me, and that there is no single day that she does not care about making something for me. But that would sound a bit fussy. I would just say that we have gone through many "things" together, and that I have always felt like part of a whole, part of a family. There have always been moments that we have enjoyed together. Moments that might look as just problematic situations for an outsider, but that made us grow, and advance forward. I read once: "You get married, so you can get over many problems together with someone. Problems that you would not have at all, if you were single". My answer is: of course. But is life different? Don't you get into troubles just by living? Problems that you would not have if you did not live at all? But I would say something more. Most of the problems of living with someone are not problems that come because you live together. Most problems come from within ourselves. Our characters, or our differences, and our poor respect to other opinions. People think marriage gets you into trouble, and they mean mortage, children, responsibilities. When you are there, that is not the problem. That's just some small things you have to deal with. It is life, you can do things in a way you like, and then enjoy them, or just complain about them. But most of the times, even when you complain, you know you are lucky. You might not be coding while you write a requirements document, or you might prefer to play with you daughter rather than having her screaming because she does not want to sleep, but most of the times you can get angry, and do something that does not lead to make things any better, or you may just wait, breath, think of an alternative solution, learn, grow up, improve yourself, do something that helps, and then think: was this a problem or an opportunity?

Enough is enough, bye for today ... (Now you may vote, and say if you want more of this torture, or ask for an aspirin and an economic compensation).

Best regards,
Santiago